The Govern-Mental Deficiency Department
Putin Simps, Anti-Vax Bear Eaters, Puppy Murderers, Adulterous Fox News Hosts, and alleged Child Traffickers. It’s a Prison! It’s a Circus! No, It’s YOUR new government!
WHAT A WEEK IT’S BEEN. Donald Trump has been announced his cabinet picks faster than we can process them. Some are Trump loyalists, some of them are absolute Bananas, they’re crazy! Let’s take a look at who the worst of them are.
Trump’s 5 Worst Cabinet Picks, ranked from bad to worse
5. Kristi Noem
Secretary of Homeland Security
You know it’s not a good sign when the least bad person on the list gained notoriety for Cruella DeVil like behaviors. I’m talking the legend of Governor Noem and her puppy Cricket.
Cricket was a mischievous little girl, always getting into trouble. Some would say that she behaved like a regular bird-hunting dog that hasn’t been trained well. But her mama Kristi thought that Cricket’s chicken-strangling behavior was incurable. She decided that she needed to knock some sense into the young wire haired pointer. So she took cricket out to the old gravel pit, raised her gun and KA-BOOM.
It was a tragic day.
Lest you think this story was an invention of the liberal media: No one would have known about this incident had Kristi not written about it in her own memoir. The memoir in which she also confessed to killing a goat in the same manner. In normal times, this scandal could have been the end of her political career. But alas, Kristi Noem is the new normal.
Anyways, she is nominated to lead the Department of Homeland Security. Surely her main role will be helping to enforce President Trump’s Immigration policies. She is not expected to stand up to Trump, because she has maintained strong support for him over the years. So her efforts will likely be going towards Trump’s promised Mass Deportation Operation. Let’s hope she tries to treat immigrants in a humane way. But judging by the way she treats animals, I’m genuinely pessimistic about that.
4. Matt Gaetz
Attorney General
Matt Gaetz is a former Republican Congressman from the Florida Panhandle who is the subject of a House Ethics Committee Investigation regarding his alleged sex trafficking of a minor and illegal drug use. He resigned his house seat last week, just days before the committee’s report was set to be released (seemingly attempting to prevent the report’s release). He is now being nominated by Donald Trump to lead America’s top Law Enforcement Agency.
How is he the second least bad? Because this is Season 10 of the Trump show. Ratings are down, the audience is getting bored of the same tired plot every episode, so the writers need to introduce wacky new characters just to spice things up. Therefore, everyone is annoying and comically insane now. (Like Grey’s Anatomy but much much worse) As bad as Gaetz is, some of the others are more dangerous than he is, even though I’d say Gaetz is the most morally awful of the bunch.
So how bad is Matt Gaetz? Is it all the outrage just liberal spin? To find out, let’s take a look at what his REPUBLICAN colleagues in Congress have to say about him:
Senator Markwayne Mullin (R-OK)
"This is a guy that the media didn't give a time of day to after he was accused of sleeping with an underage girl, and there's a reason why no one in the conference came and defended him, because we had all seen the videos he was showing on the House floor, that all of us had walked away, of the girls he had slept with. He’d brag about how he would crush E.D. medicine and chase it with a energy drink so he could go all night,"
“Look, I work with some real scumbags. Look, Matt Gaetz, he paid minors to have sex with him at drug parties, Bob Good endorsed my opponent, a known neo-Nazi. These people used to walk around in white hoods at night. Now they're walking around with white hoods in the daytime."
Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA)
When asked if he and Matt Gaetz had made up after their feud:
“No! I don’t hang around with pedophiles, I’m sorry.”
I’d be willing to bet that Attorney General Gaetz is not going to be especially helpful to victims of sexual assault. Just a hunch.
3. Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
What can I say? There is so much insane lore with this guy.
Kennedy is “health” focused anti-vax nepo-baby. He’s a former Democrat turned Trump supporter who thinks that vaccines can cause autism, and is against vaccines being mandated for kids to attend school.
A few years ago, he went to American Samoa and helped to spread misinformation about vaccines there at a time when vaccination rates were sharply declining. This decline led a measles outbreak there. The outbreak killed several dozen people, the vast majority of whom were children.
If Trump, RFK, and the GOP are successfully able to repeal childhood vaccine requirements, we could very well see a similar story on the US mainland. There are a lot of people who use the phrase “My body, My choice” as a reason the US should not have childhood vaccine requirements. The consequences of making some of these vaccines optional would be disastrous. We’re talking about a lot of people getting very sick, and a lot of children dying.
Kennedy also wants to take the fluoride out of our drinking water, a move that would lead to a very large increase in cavities. You might want to increase your annual dental budget.
I’m not even going to try to explain the whole bear cub incident. It’s too deep of a rabbit hole. I will however link a video at the bottom of the article where Bobby Jr. explains to Rosanne Barr about the time where he staged a Bear death/Bicycle accident in Central Park. I recommend watching it. It’s fever dream Twilight Zone madness.
2. Tulsi Gabbard
Director of National Intelligence
Tulsi was a Democratic Congresswoman from Hawaii during the Obama and 1st Trump Presidencies. She ran for the Democratic Presidential Nomination in 2020. Even before that point, she had a history of troublesome foreign policy moves (such as the time she secretly met with Syria’s dictator when she was a congresswoman) After she lost the 2020 primary, she seemed to undergo a complete MAGA metamorphosis.
In a move that showed how much Tulsi had changed, she filled in for Far-Right Fox News host Tucker Carlson for an episode of his nightly show, in 2022.
Throughout her career, Gabbard has been soft on Russia, going so far as to parrot Russian talking points. For that, she gets favorable coverage on Russian state TV. She has blamed the West for Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. In early 2022, she posted to Twitter:
“This war and suffering could have easily been avoided if Biden Admin/NATO had simply acknowledged Russia’s legitimate security concerns,”
She even sided against US intelligence agencies in 2017 when she expressed skepticism towards the idea that Syria was responsible for a deadly chemical weapons attack on Syrian soil. So who else was promoting Tulsi’s narrative? Russia.
Her past is very concerning considering that she will be overseeing the US’s spy agencies. There’s a nonzero chance that she’d be willing to feed US intelligence directly to Russia if they could find a secret back channel to contact her. We don’t know exactly how far she will go to help Russia, but if I were Vladimir Putin, I’d be popping champagne bottles right about now.
Honorable Mention:
Trump also announced that Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy will be running DOGE, the Department of Governmental Efficiency, named after the doge meme you probably saw a lot like 5 years ago, featuring this dog:
This department is stupid and just one big meme, it’s all a joke you guys. Elon’s unserious fingerprints will be all over this project. The department’s final report is due on July 4, 2026 (America’s 250th Birthday) I would not be surprised if the final report ended up being exactly 69 pages long, with 420 words per page.
Ostensibly, the job of the Government Efficiency Department is to find ways to slash federal spending, Musk has said he wants to cut 2 Trillion out of the government’s 6.75 trillion budget. Given that Trump probably won’t want to cut the defense budget, $2 trillion of reduced spending would be hard to do unless you start making cuts to Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, and more programs that people rely on in their daily lives.
Don’t think Elon is above hurting regular people. As the richest man in the world, he is trying to recruit people to work at DOGE for “80+ hours per week” and earn “zero” compensation. I can’t imagine why anyone would pass up the chance to work for him.
1. Pete Hegseth
Secretary of Defense
Pete Hegseth is a veteran who is one of the anchors on the Fox News morning show Fox & Friends Weekend. The main reason that this guy is the worst on this list is that he is being nominated for one of the most important jobs in the world, and he is completely unqualified to hold it.
Hegseth essentially has no relevant experience qualifying him to run the Department of Defense, one of the largest employers in the United States. Hegseth did serve in the military, he has 2 Bronze Stars and he holds the rank of major from his time serving in the Minnesota Army National Guard, but the idea that his service makes him ready to run DOD is laughable.
That would be like saying that owning a highly successful McDonald’s franchise is sufficient qualification to become CEO of McDonald’s. Except this is worse, the CEO of McDonald’s doesn’t have to make life or death decisions for their employees, SecDef does. Being Secretary of Defense requires a broader and fundamentally different skill set compared to serving in the Army National Guard. It would be one thing if he was chosen to be the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary at the VA, or something like that. But he is going to be running the Pentagon for heaven’s sake. Just think of all of the active duty military personnel who will be put at risk if somebody as unqualified as Hegseth is put in charge of them.
Hegseth is very sympathetic to the idea that the US military’s current problems are primarily rooted in it being too “woke”. He has said "Any general that was involved, general, admiral, whatever, that was involved in any of the DEI woke sh**, has got to go.” He believes in a conspiracy theory that Muslims intend to take over Europe and America. He also opposes women being allowed to serve in combat roles.
One event that makes Hegseth a concerning pick is that during a 2017 appearance on Fox News, he argued that there was “merit” the idea of the US carrying out a preemptive nuclear strike on North Korea, a move which would almost certainly lead to a Nuclear War, and Hundreds of Millions, if not Billions of human deaths. He may claim he was joking, I really hope that he was.
Also he keeps cheating on his wives and getting divorced. He’s on his third marriage, his first 2 both ended after Hegseth had affairs. He has also been accused of sexually assaulting someone at a Republican Women’s Convention in 2017. He denies that the assault happened. Hegseth later paid the accuser as part of a settlement agreement.
Would they get confirmed?
“But Keagan, stop worrying!! Everything is going to be ok! According to the Constitution, the Senate has to hold confirmation votes for Trump’s Cabinet. The Senate can stop these crazy nominees from taking power.”
Well, I wish that were true, concerned citizen. But sadly, there seems to be a loophole in the constitution for everything these days. Let me explain:
During the recent GOP fight over who will be the next Senate Majority Leader, Donald Trump forced all of the candidates to agree to his proposal to do “Recess Appointments” of government officials. That’s a process in which the US Senate stops meeting for a certain period of time, and the president can appoint people to his cabinet without the usually required approval of a majority of senators. The 3 Majority Leader candidates all understood that they couldn’t oppose Trump’s demand on this issue unless they were prepared to face his wrath, so they acquiesced and agreed to go along with the Recess Appointments scheme.
So unless Senate Republicans can grow a spine and learn how to say “NO” to Donald Trump, he will be able to recess appoint all of these crazy people to his cabinet.
Nation Learns the Hard Way that Fire Causes Burns
I do think that it is very interesting that many interest groups that were less skeptical of Trump in 2024 seem to be shocked when he makes cabinet appointments that don’t benefit them. For example, the “If you vote for Democrats, you’re a baby-killer” crowd doesn’t seem too happy that Trump picked Pro-Choice RFK Jr. to lead the department most closely related to Abortion policy.
Or the “Trump says he doesn’t like wars, so he’ll stop the killing in Gaza” people being shocked when Trump appoints staunch allies of Israel’s Netanyahu government to all of the key foreign policy positions.
Who could have predicted this? Who could have warned these guys that Trump was a liar who would stab them in the back? If only this was foreseeable! At least they’ve learned their lesson for next time a pathological liar runs for president.
Here’s the RFK Jr. Bear video btw, take note of the weirdly large ribs he is eating.